San Antonio Gender Association
Coming Out
Photo Courtesy of Photohome.com
Coming out is a very personal process, but should be discussed with other transgender persons before
you ever plan and do this on your own. Coming out can be a wonderful liberating experience for you - it
could also be a disaster. You need to carefully form your plan. Most times, coming out releases you from
the burden you've carried and drops it right on the shoulders of your loved ones.
You need to plan for the worse, while all the time hoping for the best. Come learn what experiences
members of our group have had with coming out.
you ever plan and do this on your own. Coming out can be a wonderful liberating experience for you - it
could also be a disaster. You need to carefully form your plan. Most times, coming out releases you from
the burden you've carried and drops it right on the shoulders of your loved ones.
You need to plan for the worse, while all the time hoping for the best. Come learn what experiences
members of our group have had with coming out.
WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE BORN A TRANSSEXUAL PERSON
I could live my life quietly now as a woman. I’m accepted as a woman in my community and I’m a woman in the eyes of
the Court. I could shut the door on my former life as a man. So why should I want to you to talk about transsexuality?
Because in order for you to really understand the condition, the process, and our lives, you need to put a face on it;
and to put a face on it, you need to know a lot more than I might otherwise be inclined to share with you. To transition
from one sex to the other is a very personal process. To fully explain it to others, one must be willing to bare one’s
soul.
Being born transsexual is, contrary to popular opinion, not all that rare. It seems rare because most transsexual
persons keep our lives secret from everyone. At first, we think that something must be wrong; and that we are alone in
the world with this. When we dare to tell anyone about it, we’re treated as if we are weird – so we quickly learn to just
hide.
Yes we hide - and a destructive process begins.
Our culture puts a lot of energy into hatred and damnation of any difference in general, and of being sexually different
in particular. From grade school on, the constant use of terms like ‘sissy’, 'fag', 'lesbo' and ‘queer’ as taunts and
curses inflicts and instills a deep-set shame in anyone who already feels so different inside. We know that subtle and
pervasive bigotry can quickly escalate to discrimination or actual violence, and can affect almost every aspect of life.
Many people in our society have a serious problem with the very idea of transsexuality. This changing of one’s sex,
which so many people don’t understand or accept, makes some folks confused, then angry, and sometimes violent
towards us. There are those who feel fatal levels of hatred about it, who care not at all about trying to understand it or
the suffering it inflicts upon us. There are narrow-minded souls who refuse to accept the validity that transsexuality is
a condition of birth, who insist it is “…simply a matter of personal choice”, and who would just as soon see all
transsexual persons dead.
Within this toxic environment of condemnation, we are constantly under psychological and emotional attack.
This attack easily - and early in life - becomes internalized to varying degrees. Storms of hatred from the outside soon
cause infection with hatred on the inside. Self-worth is replaced with varying degrees of shame and self-loathing.
Inevitably this leads to suffering, self-destruction, and, for some of us, attempts and successes of suicide.
A vicious circle is created. It starts from the cultural pressure, and is sustained by our own internal judgment. We hide
to avoid pain and shame. The pain and shame become internalized, become a part of us. We hide because of fear of
rejection and fear of harm. The constant hiding implies the need to hide. All alone against society, we find it difficult to
reject the hatred of so many. Self-condemnation reinforces the impulse to hide. The act of hiding reinforces the self-
condemnation, and so it goes, round and round.
It can seem like there is no escape from this downward spiral into despair – and then it gets even worse!
We live in a culture focused on family and friends; on human interaction. The basis of most everyday communication is
about our lives and our relationships. Closeted (hiding and stealth) transsexual persons must either lie about our lives,
or we must fall silent and otherwise avoid this most basic form of human communication.
Over time, this lying or silence causes more suffering. When we feel unable to express the joy of a happy day with a
loved one, or to tell a funny story about our life, or to share something we’ve learned, we are made mute. This kind of
self-censorship destroys the soul, and leads to even further withdrawal and depression.
There is only one positive way for a transsexual person to climb out of this emotional hell. To regain a solid self worth
it becomes necessary to eventually find the courage to accept one’s self, and to become open with the world about
one’s self.
Why do I talk so openly about my transsexuality? It’s about helping you to understand this normal variation among the
many different ways that people are born into this world!
I’ve reclaimed the basic human feelings of dignity and self worth; reclaimed the freedom to speak, to share, and to just
be myself, and recognized the value of explaining to you, who we are, and why we are. For when you really
understand us, it allows more of my transsexual sisters and brothers to communicate with you about their own lives in
an honest and real manner, devoid of lies and subterfuge, without fear of discovery or embarrassment, just like any
other person. I believe that when I, and many others like me, have made enough of you understand about us, then
someday, one beautiful someday, all transsexual persons will be able to just be themselves, living openly and safely,
never needing to hide again.
JULIA ROSE DEGRACE --- with thanks to JENNIFER DIANE REITZ for her words of inspiration
I could live my life quietly now as a woman. I’m accepted as a woman in my community and I’m a woman in the eyes of
the Court. I could shut the door on my former life as a man. So why should I want to you to talk about transsexuality?
Because in order for you to really understand the condition, the process, and our lives, you need to put a face on it;
and to put a face on it, you need to know a lot more than I might otherwise be inclined to share with you. To transition
from one sex to the other is a very personal process. To fully explain it to others, one must be willing to bare one’s
soul.
Being born transsexual is, contrary to popular opinion, not all that rare. It seems rare because most transsexual
persons keep our lives secret from everyone. At first, we think that something must be wrong; and that we are alone in
the world with this. When we dare to tell anyone about it, we’re treated as if we are weird – so we quickly learn to just
hide.
Yes we hide - and a destructive process begins.
Our culture puts a lot of energy into hatred and damnation of any difference in general, and of being sexually different
in particular. From grade school on, the constant use of terms like ‘sissy’, 'fag', 'lesbo' and ‘queer’ as taunts and
curses inflicts and instills a deep-set shame in anyone who already feels so different inside. We know that subtle and
pervasive bigotry can quickly escalate to discrimination or actual violence, and can affect almost every aspect of life.
Many people in our society have a serious problem with the very idea of transsexuality. This changing of one’s sex,
which so many people don’t understand or accept, makes some folks confused, then angry, and sometimes violent
towards us. There are those who feel fatal levels of hatred about it, who care not at all about trying to understand it or
the suffering it inflicts upon us. There are narrow-minded souls who refuse to accept the validity that transsexuality is
a condition of birth, who insist it is “…simply a matter of personal choice”, and who would just as soon see all
transsexual persons dead.
Within this toxic environment of condemnation, we are constantly under psychological and emotional attack.
This attack easily - and early in life - becomes internalized to varying degrees. Storms of hatred from the outside soon
cause infection with hatred on the inside. Self-worth is replaced with varying degrees of shame and self-loathing.
Inevitably this leads to suffering, self-destruction, and, for some of us, attempts and successes of suicide.
A vicious circle is created. It starts from the cultural pressure, and is sustained by our own internal judgment. We hide
to avoid pain and shame. The pain and shame become internalized, become a part of us. We hide because of fear of
rejection and fear of harm. The constant hiding implies the need to hide. All alone against society, we find it difficult to
reject the hatred of so many. Self-condemnation reinforces the impulse to hide. The act of hiding reinforces the self-
condemnation, and so it goes, round and round.
It can seem like there is no escape from this downward spiral into despair – and then it gets even worse!
We live in a culture focused on family and friends; on human interaction. The basis of most everyday communication is
about our lives and our relationships. Closeted (hiding and stealth) transsexual persons must either lie about our lives,
or we must fall silent and otherwise avoid this most basic form of human communication.
Over time, this lying or silence causes more suffering. When we feel unable to express the joy of a happy day with a
loved one, or to tell a funny story about our life, or to share something we’ve learned, we are made mute. This kind of
self-censorship destroys the soul, and leads to even further withdrawal and depression.
There is only one positive way for a transsexual person to climb out of this emotional hell. To regain a solid self worth
it becomes necessary to eventually find the courage to accept one’s self, and to become open with the world about
one’s self.
Why do I talk so openly about my transsexuality? It’s about helping you to understand this normal variation among the
many different ways that people are born into this world!
I’ve reclaimed the basic human feelings of dignity and self worth; reclaimed the freedom to speak, to share, and to just
be myself, and recognized the value of explaining to you, who we are, and why we are. For when you really
understand us, it allows more of my transsexual sisters and brothers to communicate with you about their own lives in
an honest and real manner, devoid of lies and subterfuge, without fear of discovery or embarrassment, just like any
other person. I believe that when I, and many others like me, have made enough of you understand about us, then
someday, one beautiful someday, all transsexual persons will be able to just be themselves, living openly and safely,
never needing to hide again.
JULIA ROSE DEGRACE --- with thanks to JENNIFER DIANE REITZ for her words of inspiration